


No (Mario) Party Like A Riegan Party

by Oricalle



Series: Luck Of The Draw Universe [6]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Mario Party (Video Games)
Genre: 90's Era Console War Discussion, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Gen, Humor, Light-Hearted, Post-Skip Ages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oricalle/pseuds/Oricalle
Summary: Claude invites his fellow team captains over for a nice night of video games and socializing.Thirty turns later everyone has lost their minds.(The Lords of Three Houses play Mario Party.)
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, mentioned
Series: Luck Of The Draw Universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722349
Comments: 25
Kudos: 109





	No (Mario) Party Like A Riegan Party

As the sun set through a scratched window behind him, Claude began to carefully survey his apartment. Refreshments had been prepared and laid out at their stations, the evening’s entertainment was primed and ready, and he had the air of a perfect host.

Of course, that last one was never _not_ true.

As the doorbell rang, he swept the door open and gestured to his honored guests.

“Welcome, lady and gentleman, to the greatest game ever played.” He grinned. “You both ready for some Mario Party 3?”

Edelgard could only sigh deeply at Claude’s incessant theatrics. Dimitri brushed past her shoulder, squeezing into the door and beginning to walk towards the couch. As she followed, she gave their host a smirk.

“I’m unsure about the two of you, but I am fully prepared.”

“I thought we were playing cards.” Dimitri added, staring with a raised eyebrow at the Nintendo 64 hooked up to Claude’s television. “Is this not a video game designed for...young children?”

Edelgard whirled around so quickly that the rug beneath her feet began to clump up around them.

“Mario Party is _not_ for children.”

“The box says “E” for Everyone.” Claude chimed in.

“Exactly my point.” Edelgard folded her arms across her chest, unsure why Dimitri still had that incredulous look on his face. “It is a crucible, a challenge that tests nearly every competitive aspect of a human being!” She raised a hand in the air and began to count on her fingers. 

“Speed!” she declared.

“The A mashing games.” added Claude.

“Endurance!”

“The ones where you spin the control stick.”

“Strategy!”

“When you have to pick a direction on the board.”

“Cunning!”

“Unplugging someone’s controller while they play the A mashing games.”

“And even Luck!”

“Pretty much...every single other aspect of the game.”

Edelgard made a face at Claude as if to indicate her sheer disagreement with such a statement, but no cogent rebuttal came to her. Instead, she turned to Dimitri with an expression of confusion. “Dimitri, are you honestly telling me that you have never experienced Mario Party?”

“I grew up in a PlayStation household.”

Edelgard retched as Claude shook his head. Throwing his arms in the air, Dimitri descended into a seat on the couch.

“All the scorn in the world won’t change which one got Final Fantasy 7, you two.”

One fierce debate on the values of Final Fantasy 3 ( _Six_ , Edelgard insisted.) against FF7 later, the three rivals had taken their seats and claimed their controllers, watching as a set of logos flickered across the television before them.

“Mario Party...THREE!” cried Mario and friends, voices jumbled together into a compressed cacophony that blared from Claude’s speakers.

As experienced Partygoers, it took little time at all for Edelgard and Claude to settle on the game’s basic rules. They would be playing Party Mode, not Minigame Mode, as they were not so unrefined as that.

Everything else would be somewhat of a conflict.

When it came time to select the characters, Claude very quickly locked in his pick.

“Good choice!” Waluigi declared.

Dimitri’s cursor landed on Mario only moments before Edelgard’s did.

“Good choice!” Mario shouted.

“You bastard!” Edelgard cried.

“What now?” Dimitri brought up a hand to shield himself as Edelgard attempted to grab at his controller and revert the decision. “I like Mario! Mario seems like a very nice person!”

“Mario is red! It’s our team color!” 

“It took Dimitri a moment to realize what she was even referring to. 

“...Do you mean the _Black_ Eagles?”

Finally accepting defeat, Edelgard begrudgingly selected Princess Peach.

“You guys have any preference on the CPU character?” Claude asked. When no one had a response, he selected Donkey Kong as the group’s AI companion, and Hard Mode for the difficulty. After all, they were adults playing a video game designed to be played in grade school.

Board selection brought its own set of troubles. Edelgard swiftly vetoed Claude’s initial suggestion of Deep Blooper Sea and Creepy Caverns, while Dimitri didn’t feel comfortable beginning his Mario Party journey on the game’s hardest board, Waluigi’s Island. In the end, the group settled on the frozen wonderland of Chilly Waters.

“So, for game time…” Claude muttered, flipping through options with the Control Stick, “I’m guessing we just want to go twenty turns?”

“Honestly, Claude, I thought better of you.” Edelgard grinned nefariously. “Fifty turns.”

The Golden Deer captain let his controller clatter to the floor in mock shock, one hand pressed against his mouth. “Edelgard Hresvelg, you would dare challenge that which has broken those stronger than us?”

“I wasn’t aware there were stronger, Claude.” she replied, a confident smirk on her face.

“I still don’t even know how to play this game.” Dimitri protested.

“Well, if that’s how this is gonna go…” With a stretch, Claude reached into the already prepared cooler at the foot of the couch, pulling out drinks for everyone present. He half expected Edelgard to sigh and wrinkle her nose at the subpar alcohol (though he personally found Immovable Lite an entirely respectable beverage), but found himself surprised when she immediately popped the tab open and full-tilted the beverage into her mouth.

“Uh, El?” Dimitri stared wide-eyed at her as she selected the 50 Turn option, determination writ large on her face as she placed the can on a side table. “Don’t you think you should pace yourself?”

“It’s Mario Party, Dimitri.” she replied, gripping her Nintendo 64 controller like a weapon. “Leave inhibitions at the door.”

_Ten Turns In_

Silence gripped the room, a veil that only rippled with the occasional clack of a control stick.

“Well,” Dimitri chuckled, “this minigame is-”

He was swiftly hushed by both Edelgard and Claude, each far too experienced with Frigid Bridges to underestimate the value of concentration. In the thrilling contest to see who could carry three ice cubes across the frozen bridge quickly enough, they had both delivered two, leaving the rivals in a dead heat for the final stretch.

Deftly, they each manipulated their control sticks, like two Renaissance painters in the ecstasy of creation, giving Mario Party 3 their entire beings.

“Oh my!” Dimitri said, with a laugh. “Noone told me there would be a fish in the center of the course!”

At that same moment, the fish collided with Edelgard and knocked her off of the bridge, resulting in a loud string of curses interspersed with Claude’s raucous laughter.

_Twenty Turns In_

The room sat silent, gripped with tension as Claude hovered over a pivotal set of options.

“Who should I steal a star from?” asked Boo, and the players began to submit their appeals.

“Edelgard is in first place.” Dimitri said. “It only makes sense to take a star from her, so we can even out the lead she’s amassing!”

The cursor hovered over Peach’s name.

“Should you steal a star from me, Claude, there will be no peace for the remainder of the evening. I shall sabotage every two-on-two minigame we are placed in together, and dedicate every one of my considerable coin resources to your destruction.”

The cursor returned to Mario.

“You know she is the greatest threat here!” Dimitri protested. He pointed at the empty can clutched in Edelgard’s left hand. “She’s multiple drinks in and yet she can still play the precision-based minigames extremely well! Do you not wish to lessen that threat?”

The cursor went back to Peach.

Edelgard crushed a can in her bare hand.

The cursor flipped over to Mario.

“Alright, alright!” Claude stood in his seat, the aging couch screeching its disapproval as he wobbled slightly. You’ve both submitted rather convincing arguments! That being said, the House of Waluigi has come to a final decision!”

With a flourish of his controller and an appropriately dramatic pause,

Claude selected Donkey Kong as his victim.

“Donkey Kong?” Dimitri asked, wide-eyed. “He’s not even in the running right now!”

“Exactly. And he’s a robot, so I have nothing to fear from pissing him off.” Claude dropped back to his seat, grinning widely. “Plus, this means that I don’t endanger my standing with Dimitri, and that the Princess over there owes me a favor for sparing her star stash.”

Grumbling slightly, Edelgard shook her head.

“Astute as always, Riegan.”

_Twenty-Five Turns In_

Dimitri watched in awe as two grown adults stood, hunched over their controllers as if trying to soothe a terrible stomachache, rocking back and forth as they mashed buttons to the jaunty tunes of a Nintendo 64 soundchip attempting to imitate a drum.

“The game-” Edelgard huffed, already winded, “is called “Rockin’ Raceway”, and this helps me…keep time!”

Claude was laughing too hard to speak in complete sentences. “Holy...shit...look at Edelgard’s side-ponytail….helicopter...oh, it HURTS!”

Dimitri was able to win the minigame when his opponents both stopped moving.

_Twenty-Eight Turns In_

“ACTION TIME” lit up across the screen in chunky green letters, and Dimitri prepared himself.

He was a mere three spaces from the Star, twenty coins away from matching Edelgard’s leading amount. Donkey Kong, in an act of what he was at least a little sure was sabotage, had bumbled onto a Happening Space, and now there was a giant snowball rolling down the lane that threatened to chase Dimitri far away from his goal.

Averting such a tragic fate was as simple as timing this next button press.

When “MISS” appeared, Dimitri handled it well.

“SHIT!” he roared, watching Mario sprint away from the snowball and his dreams. The room went silent as his cheeks began to flush, looking around at the awestruck looks on Claude and Edelgard’s faces.

“I…I apologize for losing my composure.”

In response, Claude simply handed him a can of Immovable Light.

“Welcome,” Edelgard said, “to Mario Party.”

_Thirty-Two Turns In_

For not the first time that evening (now quickly approaching morning), Claude’s apartment erupted in a sea of boos, this time as Peach was consumed by a giant fish.

“Utter nonsense!” Dimitri hissed. “The Hard CPU is cheating at Cheep-Cheep Chase! It’s simply impossible for any human to press buttons that quickly!”

From the kitchen, Edelgard shouted back through a mouthful of chips.

“Not true!” She sauntered back into the main room, slightly too wobbly on her feet to make her entrance as dramatic as she would have liked. “Dimitri, you underestimate the human spirit. No mere computer can think, act, be...behave...be as open-ended as a human can!”

Flourishing her phone, Edelgard waved a video in Dimitri’s face. As far as he could tell, through the haze induced not only by alcohol, but Edelgard’s own unsteady hand, it was a clip of someone beating three Hard CPU characters in Cheep-Cheep Chase.

Claude let out a cough that sounded oddly like the words “Turbo controller”. Edelgard furrowed her brow.

“Invented by humans. Still counts.”

_Forty Turns In_

As any veteran of The Party knows, Mario Party is a game of excruciating highs and soul-crushing low points. There are moments of joy and loss, victory and defeat, brilliance and failure within every turn.

All of them pale, wither, _evaporate_ in comparison to the fate-making moment someone steps on a green exclamation mark.

As Donkey Kong trots across the legendary space, two words irreversibly change the atmosphere in Claude’s apartment.

“CHANCE TIME!”

“Holy _shit_.” Claude murmured. Edelgard shoveled a handful of iced pretzels in her mouth, fear writ large in her eyes. She still held the lead, and for her, this Chance Time could mean an utter reversal of fortune.

Still largely unaware of The Party’s cruelest whims, Dimitri watched with mild boredom as Toad explained the event’s rules. Donkey Kong would hit a block three times to randomly determine what would be given away, who would be giving it, and the recipient of the prize. As soon as the first block revealed the stakes of the event were two entire stars, the tension in the room thickened even further.

With a hop, Donkey Kong struck the block a second time, sealing Edelgard’s generous fate.

“FUmmph!” she raged, through a mouthful of pretzels.

After one final leap, the accursed ape declared himself the lucky recipient, and the event concluded with Edelgard in last place and Donkey Kong in first.

“Wow!” Dimitri marvelled, as Claude’s raucous laughter only grew louder, even as he was bludgeoned with one of his own couch pillows.

_Forty-Two Turns In_

Claude had stopped laughing.

Through a series of frankly ludicrous events involving a Happening Space, Chance Time, and the unfortunate appearance of Water Whirled in the Minigame Roulette, Donkey Kong was now holding a firm lead over all three adult human players.

“Hoo hoo!” shouted Donkey Kong.

“I despise you.” Edelgard hissed.

“Alright, everyone, things are looking pretty grim.” Arms outstretched, Claude climbed up from the couch, kicking aside an empty pretzel bag as he strode in front of the TV. “I propose a coalition to ensure we don’t lose to the computer. A cessation of hostilities, to focus all Boos and Bowser Phones on our mutual foe.” 

He smiled, extending an outstretched hand towards each of his guests.

“Let’s reach out our hands in friendship! Sheerly for the purpose of beating a low-poly gorilla at a Nintendo 64 game!”

_Forty-Five Turns In_

The game had become a near dead heat as the grueling endurance contest neared its end. Dimitri had four stars, Claude and five, and Edelgard and the hated Donkey Kong with six. However, the Kong was mere spaces away from the star, and a panic was settling over the players.

“If he gets this star…” Edelgard murmured, her hands gripping the N64 controller for dear life, “Donkey Kong will almost certainly win the game. We need a plan, Claude.”

“Nobody has a Boo Bell on them, so we can’t steal his coins…” Claude stroked his chin, deep in thought. “But I think I have an idea.”

As his turn rolled around, Claude chose to use an Item. He selected his rarest find, the Lucky Coin. “If I use this, I can force Donkey Kong to go to Game Guy.”

“Devious.” Dimitri replied, not entirely sure what was going on but just happy to be there.

As Claude put his plot into action, a Shy Guy in a violet bowtie descended from the sky. 

“I’m going to force this gorilla to gamble.” Claude said, the absurdity of the statement utterly unremarked upon several hours and drinks into a game of Mario Party 3.

As the screen transitioned to a lively casino, Game Guy began to speak.

“Hey! Welcome to Game Guy’s Mini-Game! Let’s see… I think I’ll have you play Game Guy’s Sweet Surprise.”

A pair of Chain Chomps were sitting on a glittering stage, one massive in size and the other utterly tiny. 

“The Big Chomp and the Little Chomp will have a cake-eating race. Predict which one will be the quicker cake eater. If you guess right, you’ll get more coins. But, if you guess wrong, your coins will be mine. Place your bet, then make your guess.”

“What are the numbers next to the Chomp faces for?” Dimitri inquired.

“The amount of coins you earn if you bet on them and they win.” Edelgard replied. “So the big Chomp is x2, and the little one is x32. But the odds are stacked in the larger one’s favor.”

Donkey Kong’s furry finger pointed to the x32 and selected it.

“Love that cake!” declared the tiny Chain Chomp.

“He’s gone bananas.” Claude whispered.

With the ring of a pixelated bell, the contest began. Each Chomp surged forward to take bites out of the cakes that appeared before them, engaging in a display of decadence and gluttony so vile it could only be contained within Mario Party 3.

The Chomps seemed evenly matched for a time, the top layer of each cake disappearing at nearly the same time. Big Chomp quickly pulled ahead with two more bites, eliciting a cheer from the spectators, but Little Chomp refused to be defeated. A pulse of dread ran through the room as the Little Chomp consumed more of its meal while Big Chomp’s cake sat stagnant. Another bite disappeared from Little Chomp’s cake, and a chill ran down Edelgard’s back.

“No.” she begged, so entranced that she didn’t even notice the mostly-empty can of Immovable still dripping under her collar.

Neck and neck, the Chomps continued their debaucherous meal for a few more agonizing moments until with one final bite, the outcome was clear.

“FINISH!” cried the announcer, while in the background Game Guy went absolutely ham on the bell with a mallet.

Little Chomp celebrated, its cake consumed, as the screen transitioned to show Donkey Kong in the casino gates. A rain of coins fell onto him like the Biblical flood, the apartment shocked into utter silence as their CPU rival collected his winnings. His riches were so great, the game was unable to display their full immensity, and the Kong’s hoard was capped out at 999 coins.

“Well.” Claude finally said, halfway through a sigh. “That’s not good.”

“Donkey Kong is a blight upon this world.” Edelgard snarled, slumped so deep into the couch cushions now that she was barely visible.

_Fifty Turns In_

A miracle had visited the apartment, shifting the odds in the titanic struggle between humanity and N64 artificial Donkey Kong intelligence.

Thanks to exceedingly lucky Star placement, and the use of two Golden Mushrooms, Edelgard had managed to collect two more Stars before the game’s conclusion, putting her a Star ahead of Donkey Kong as the game concluded. She sat, now, excavated from her pillowy prison, a confident grin on her face as the closing ceremonies began.

“Once more,” she declared, arms spread wide, “I have ascended to the peak of the Party.”

“Bonus Stars.” Claude murmured.

“...You turned on BONUS Stars?” she replied, the color suddenly draining from her face.

“Everyone turns on Bonus Stars!”

“Bonus Stars are for cowards!”

“EVERYONE LOVES BONUS STARS!”

As his friends continued to argue over the merits of whether or not Bonus Stars were part of “an optimal Mario Party experience”, Dimitri fished through his pockets for his phone.

Edelgard was probably going to need a ride home.

_AfterParty_

Claude’s doorbell buzzed loudly, seemingly only amplified by being rung at 2:00 AM.

“I got it.” Standing up on the couch and climbing over the back, Claude made his way to the front door and pulled it open.

“Morning, sunshines!”

Even at this ungodly hour, Dorothea Arnault managed to look as if she was ready for an onstage appearance. She waved cheerfully to Edelgard and Dimitri, receiving a pair of limp waves and groans in return.

“C’mon, Edie.” she said, beckoning towards the door. “I’m gonna get you home before you pass out in Claude’s kitchen.”

Edelgard made a noise somewhere between a gurgle and a groan, slowly beginning the process of making her way up from her seat on the couch.

“Wow.” Dorothea muttered. “She’s really drunk.”

“Five foot two, remember?” Claude whispered. “Doesn’t take much.”

The actress giggled in response, putting a gentle arm around Edelgard’s shoulders as she stumbled close. “C’mon, dear, let’s get you back to Byleth’s. What were you guys up to tonight?”

Suddenly alert, Edelgard’s eyes went wide. “Mario Party,” she replied.

“Oh! Did you have fun?”

Her head drooped again.

“Donkey Kong is a bastard."

**Author's Note:**

> Super Secret Author's Notes:
> 
> -Okay, I don't know if anyone else will find this funny. It's possible this has a target audience of one and it's me. But LotD was born on Weirdly Specific Oricalle Experiences, and on that it will _die_.  
> \- yes, this is essentially a 3200 word shitpost, apologies if you like my more serious stuff more! If so, you might want to check out "Worth of a Broken Blade!"
> 
> -is it shameless plugging if it's in my own fic?
> 
> -donkey kong
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoyed the fic! Please leave any feedback you'd like, getting comments absolutely makes my day.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


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